Monday, February 06, 2006

Captain's Log, 42 point 23 point 5


“Captain’s Log, 42 point 23 point 5. I am dashing Jonathan Roker, captain, pilot, and crew of the Temper Mettle, an independent cargo vessel presently carrying illegal drugs through the deadly Amethyst Nebula. I am facing dangers of pirates, asteroids, radiation storms, and even—yes, there are rumours of intelligent, non-human life…”

“Certainly the human life is lacking intelligence in this sector,” quipped a feminine, electronic voice. The console came to life, projecting a tiny, 3D hologram of a scarlet-haired woman in a ray of blue light. “According to our manifest, we’re carrying a load of freeze-dried cabbage to Roma Station, where the most spectacular crime is tax evasion.”

“And rumours of alien life?” Roker added hopefully.

The hologram gave him a withering look.

“Fine. I am dashing Jonathan Roker, captain, pilot, and crew of the Temper Mettle, an independent cargo vessel presently carrying—” He snorted. “—cabbage. I am safe from all harm, other than Crimson’s sarcastic remarks, and in no danger of encountering intelligent, non-human life. How’s that?”

“Dull.”

“But you took away my aliens! What am I supposed to say?”

“Tell them that you’ve been alone in space so long that you’ve even gotten tired of downloading porn off the subspace, so now you’re publishing random pieces of fiction?”

“Hey!” Roker protested indignantly. “I did not get tired of downloading porn off the subspace… I mean… Look, all I’m saying is that aliens would spruce this up nicely.”

“You’re going to start downloading alien porn off the—?”

But Roker hit the mute button on the console, put a bright smile on his face, and led the hovering CamBot to the glowing mainframe computer.

“Ok, start recording,” he said, and continued before the CamBot had a chance to indicate that it had been doing just that for several minutes. “I am dashing Jonathan Roker, captain, pilot, and crew of the Temper Mettle, an independent cargo vessel presently carrying illegal drugs through the deadly Amethyst Nebula. I am facing dangers of pirates, asteroids, radiation storms, and even—yes, there are rumours of intelligent, non-human life!”

He paused for dramatic effect. The CamBot briefly panned to Crimson, who was rolling her eyes.

“Even now I have detected a mysterious object travelling at high speed towards me—in but a few days I will be the first human to meet other intelligent life in the universe, whether I want to or not!”

He turned, waving his hand over the humming, crystalline mainframe behind him.

“In this computer, I have stored an imprint of my experiences so that the human race may learn of this alien threat. Alas, it has been damaged in a recent confrontation with pirates. Because of the carbon scoring, it can only access files at random.”

He stepped majestically forward, arms spread. Wires emerged from the structure to press to his temples.

“Let us begin.”

There was a flash of light, and a sound like a hundred generators shutting down.

The room went dark.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Arrived today. Made to feel very welcome.

Mon Feb 06, 05:03:00 PM MST  
Blogger Capt. Jonathan Roker said...

Why thank you. You win the Captain Jonathan Roker "First Comment Makes You Cool" Award.

And a cookie.

Mon Feb 06, 05:49:00 PM MST  

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