Thursday, February 09, 2006

Incoming Message: Animal Cruelty

>Login: JRoker

>Password: IMSoSexy

Greetings Exalted Master. You have 1 unread message.

What is thy bidding, my Master?> read message

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Ass-fix-ee-ate you TO DEATH?

Cute.

But I've never heard chokin' the chicken referred to as asphyxiation...unless of course that dog collar has other uses.

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asphyxiate (v.) – to lower oxygen and increase carbon dioxide in the bloodstream, resulting in injury or death.

Dear Mr. or Ms. John or Jane Doe,

As you can see, choking a chicken--or any other barnyard animal--could in fact be referred to as "asphyxiation". I’m not quite sure what you’re suggesting I do to dogs, but I’m fairly certain that choking one would be referred to as "animal cruelty", and I would be referred to as "hauled away by Galactic Animal Protection in more bondage than I really want".

Actually, I suspect that there is an innuendo to your question—a hidden meaning or a double entendre, perhaps?

You’re suggesting that Crimson hates animals. Well shame on you! Crimson has a pet cat that she is giving love to all the time. Its name is Cassie (short for Cassiopeia) and there is no way she would ever asphyxiate it.

But despite your wicked mind, you are the first non-Roker to mail me. Which means…

YOU ARE A WINNER!

That’s right! You are the proud owner of the Capt. Jonathan Roker’s “First Mailing Makes You Cool” Award!

I have constructed a balloon puppy in your honour. May it warm your animal-strangling soul.

Your Coolest Captain,

J. Roker


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